


CP9 Status Report Meetings re: Mission - Seduce Paulie

by pollyglyph



Category: One Piece
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, with some stage direction, written like a script/play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 05:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19847026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pollyglyph/pseuds/pollyglyph
Summary: After Paulie inadvertently guesses they are all secret agents, Kaku is assigned to keep a closer eye on him.





	CP9 Status Report Meetings re: Mission - Seduce Paulie

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't really seen Kaku/Paulie and wanted to make it happen.  
> Also some sort of an experiment in script-like writing because I feel like it suits the intense CP9 mood somehow??

**_Year 1 Day 71 Status Report Meeting_ **

_Lucci, Kaku, Kalifa and Blueno sit around a table in Blueno’s bar. The bar has already been locked up for the night, and the lights are dimmed just enough for the CP9 members to see each other’s faces, but low enough that the light from the bar draws no attention outside._

Lucci: “It was nothing but the drunken ramblings of an oaf, pay him no mind Kaku.”

Kaku: “But to think Paulie’d have guessed we were undercover agents so soon?”

Kalifa: “Lucci is right. He didn’t work it out, it was a stab in the dark. When he accused us of being spies, it was just a joke… It was a joke right?”

Blueno: “Exactly. That’s all it was. He knows nothing. The way you got nervous when he said it was completely unprofessional Kaku.”

Kaku: “Sorry, my bad on that one. It might have been just a joke, but he did hit the nail on the head and then some. It took me by surprise… Maybe there’s more to him than we thought. I’m getting quite suspicious of him.”

Kalifa: “That man’s a complete simpleton Kaku, there’s no way he’d have worked it out.”

Lucci: “Letting your emotions show on a mission the way you did is disgraceful.”

Kaku: “It won’t happen again.”

Lucci: “Be more careful in future. I wouldn’t want to have to declare you a liability. You do know what we do to liabilities.”

Kaku: “I still think it would be a good idea to keep a close eye on him from now on just to be sure.”

Lucci: “If you want to sit around holding his hand all day then be my guest. But it would be much easier to just kill him off if he proves to be difficult.”

Kaku: “Hold your horses, that wouldn’t exactly go unnoticed.”

Kalifa: “I’d actually have to agree with Kaku. There’s no way that wouldn’t look suspicious. Despite appearances, Mr Iceburg is no fool. And he seems to favour that one for some reason. He would have his death looked into thoroughly without a doubt.”

Lucci: “Fine. We’ll stage a convenient accident for him then if the need arises. Can we agree on that?”

Kaku, Kalifa and Blueno: “Yes.”

Kaku: “But in the meantime?”

Lucci: “Do what you like with him. Seduce him for all I care. It’s obvious Kalifa’s going to have no luck with him there, and I've no interest in it.”

Kalifa: “He’s so scared of me he can hardly even bear to look at me. I’ve seen the way he looks at Mr Iceburg… maybe you’d be more likely to get somewhere with him than I would have Kaku. ”

Lucci: “You said you wanted to keep a closer eye on Paulie. So there. Enjoy.”

Kaku: “What? This isn’t what I meant!”

Blueno: “Deal with it. You signed yourself up for that one.”

Lucci: “I’ll be reporting back to Spandam that we’ve decided to amend both of your positions. From now on Kaku, you’re to work on getting closer to him. As a close confidant of Iceburg’s, Paulie might prove to have some information on him. If we’re lucky, Iceburg might be keeping him in the loop in regard to these meetings he has with Corgi, or potentially he’ll let him know about the blueprints. Or even hand them on to him for safe keeping if he starts to feel compromised.”

Kaku: “Seduce him or kill him then, huh? I mean, I’m really no good at seduction. They said it in the training and all that I’d no knack for it. _The nose is a mood killer for a start_ , they said.”

Lucci: “Then would you rather kill him off right now?”

Kaku: “Honestly, I don’t know why you’re so insistent in whacking him off. I’ve already told you it would compromise our positions.”

Kalifa: “It might be better that you’re no good at seduction. He hasn’t responded well to an overt approach. Sexual advances scare him off more than anything. So maybe he requires some alternative method.”

Kaku: “Gee, how are you even supposed to seduce someone without sex?”

Lucci: “You figure it out! It’s your punishment for almost giving the game away.”

Kaku: “Gosh, thanks.”

Kalifa: “Like I said, he seems interested in Mr Iceburg. Study why he likes him so much and that might help to formulate some method of catching his attention.”

_Lucci, Kalifa and Blueno get up from their chairs. Kaku remains seated._

Kaku: “Mr Iceburg huh? I guess every new mission’s a chance to improve your skills in one way or another. But still, this feels like too much. Seduction but without the seduction. Honestly. I don’t even know where to start. I’m up the creek without a paddle here.”

* * *

_**Year 1 Day 342 Status Report Meeting** _

_As snow falls outside the window, three members of CP9 wait together in the bright kitchen of Lucci’s apartment. Blueno and Kalifa sit at his table, while Lucci leans impatiently against his countertop with Hattori twitching on his shoulder._

Lucci: “Honestly, you would think he’d try to show up on time.”

Blueno: “Unacceptable.”

_There is a knock on the door. Lucci goes to answer and brings Kaku back to the room with him._

Kaku: “Sorry, sorry. Sorry I’m late everyone.”

Lucci: “What is your status with Paulie, Kaku?”

Kaku: “Right off the bat. Not even going to let me get settled in huh? I’ve been able to confirm that he is interested in him. Mr Iceburg I mean. But he’s hesitant to talk much about him as yet.”

Lucci: “That much was obvious, but go on.”

Kaku: “Hey, give me some credit would you? Do you know how difficult it was to get him to confess to that?”

Kalifa: “Like Lucci said, it was obvious.”

Kaku: “Who cares if it was or wasn’t, getting him to say it for the record was a real piece of work and there’s no doubt about it!”

Lucci: “So, you’re really no further on than that with him?”

Kaku: “No, but for him to trust me with that, I think it means I’m getting somewhere with him. I get the impression he wouldn’t go admit that to just anyone. Heck, I don’t think he’d ever have told a soul if I hadn’t coaxed it out of him.”

Blueno: “Hmm, it’s something at least. Confirmation of the bond that must exist between the two of them.”

Kalifa: “Again. Obvious.”

Kaku: “With Kalifa’s advice though, I’ve been studying his interactions with Mr Iceburg too. If I was trying to nail down what Paulie would find appealing about him, it’d be that he seemed for the most part mentoring and gentle towards him, but still remains emotionally unavailable. I’d be willing to put money on Paulie having some sort of father issues.”

Kalifa: “Ha, how perfect.”

Kaku: “How’d you mean exactly?”

Kalifa: “You’re practically an old man.”

Kaku: “I’m not old, darn it. I’m nineteen! That's younger than he is.”

Kalifa: “Still, you speak like an old man at the very least.”

Blueno: “Appeals of a more, ugh, gentle nature then would seem to be the way to proceed. But it’s important to keep him guessing as well.”

Kaku: “This all feels so strange to be discussing.”

Lucci: “Don’t tell me you’re starting to get sentimental about him already?”

Kaku: “Of course not. I’ve just never been the one that gets this role to play in a mission.”

Kalifa: “Thank God it’s not me anymore. I honestly couldn’t bare it.”

Kaku: “I’m kind of enjoying the chase. Because they gave up on me so quickly with the training, I never really got a sense of how much goes into a seduction. A lot of mind games. It’s all very interesting.”

Blueno: “Like Lucci said, don’t go getting attached. We might yet have to kill him off.”

Kaku: “What do you take me for? I know better than that. _Never grow attached to a target. Never grow invested in a place._ ”

Lucci: “The next stage is to try to get him to agree to a date with you. Now, it’s imperative from what Kalifa has mentioned that you not be pushy or sexually aggressive on this lest you risk ruining the whole ruse. Work up to it if needs be. Spend more time together alone with him outside of work as... friends.”

Kaku: “And build from there, I got it. Like I said, I feel like I’m starting to earn his trust now, and that seems like it’s an important part of the whole kit and caboodle. I feel like I can use his interest in Mr Iceburg to get in with him too. If I feign being supportive and encouraging of his crush as I work myself closer to him, he won’t suspect seduction being my aim at all.”

Kalifa: “Like a bait and switch? That’s actually brilliant.” 

Lucci: “Yes it’s good.”

Blueno: “Plus, you might find out more about their relationship in the process. Anything you can get from him on Iceburg is vital. Even the smallest titbits may not be incidental.”

Lucci: “I’m almost willing to overlook how late you were today for this. But I’ll be expecting you to be on time for our next meeting Kaku.”

_Lucci shows the three out._

* * *

**_Year 2 Day 222 Informal Meeting, Off-Record_ **

****

_Lucci pushes open the door of Dock One’s supply shed and finds Kaku inside. They check the area until convinced it is unoccupied._

Kaku: “I’ve finally managed to secure a date with him.”

Lucci: “It took you almost a year, but good work I suppose.”

Kaku: “It’s tomorrow night. I’m scared of blowing it.”

Lucci: “You’re playing a long game with him, so take it slow. Don’t do anything to scare him off now. Not when you’re finally making progress.”

Kaku: “He’s beginning to talk more about Mr Iceburg too now. I think I’m in with him.”

Lucci: “Keep encouraging him to talk about him. What has he said so far? Has he mentioned the blueprints?”

Kaku: “No. Nothing on them as yet. But he mentioned Mr Iceburg seemed a tad shaken after his last meeting with Corgi. Have you heard any reports back from Spandam about that yet?”

Lucci: “Spandam is an idiot. No. I’ll call him tonight and force him to give us the details.”

Kaku: “A very different plan for your evening than mine. I’d take a candle-lit dinner with Paulie over a call with Spandam any day of the week. I have to admit he’s charming in his own way.”

Lucci: “You _are_ getting attached.”

Kaku: “Is it possible to do this type of thing and not get at least a little bit caught up in the game?”

Lucci: “Of course it is. You’re just weak. And foolish.”

Kaku: “Maybe it should have been you seducing him then?”

Lucci: “I’d have killed him and washed my hands of it by now.”

Kaku: “The disturbing thing is that I don’t think you’re joking.” 

_Lucci finds a plank of redwood and carries it out the door with him. Kaku waits a moment before taking one himself and leaving._

* * *

**_Year 2 Day 223 Status Report Meeting_ **

_Kaku paces heavily round his living room. The summer sun burns through his window. Lucci, Kalifa and Blueno stand tensely spread around the room staring at him intently._

Kaku: “I just don’t understand! Everything was so perfect. As far as I was concerned, it was bulletproof. We had a lovely dinner at the fanciest joint in town, then we went for a walk on the beach under the sunset and he let me take his hand and everything. There was even a shooting star across the sky, darn it, and he made a wish on it! It was all so romantic!”

Blueno: “I can’t believe you blew it.”

Kalifa: “What did you do?”

Lucci: “I bet you did something stupid. Like said you loved him. That was too soon.”

Kaku: “Of course I didn’t. Not after a first date! I just kissed him. The mood was right for it and he seemed to be enjoying it too. But then he stopped. He just blushed and said we couldn’t do this anymore. And he ran off. What in the blazes even was that?”

Kalifa: “You came on too strong! What did I say before, he’s scared of sex.”

Kaku: “But it was just a kiss! I mean, it was a good kiss. But not too heavy. That shouldn’t have been too much for him.”

Kalifa: “Virgins are easy to scare off.”

Kaku: “Do you think he is a virgin?”

Lucci, Kalifa and Blueno: “It’s obvious.”

Kaku: “That’s not that big a deal. Is it?”

Lucci, Kalifa and Blueno: “Sort of.”

Kaku: “I mean… because I am too. Still a virgin I mean.”

Blueno: “Oh, yeah, you said you didn’t finish the training.”

Kaku: “They did that to everyone as part of it? Well, if that ain’t sick and wrong I don’t know what is.”

Lucci: “What? Do you really think they raped us?”

Kalifa: “It was just a requirement to complete a successful seduction on a target to finalise the training.”

Kaku: “Is that all that much better really? I shudder to imagine.”

Lucci: “Well, if everything goes well on your mission, you won’t be a virgin for much longer.”

Kalifa: “You’ll both lose your virginity together. How tooth-rottingly sweet that sounds.”

Kaku: “Don’t mock me. Twenty’s a perfectly normal age to still be a virgin.”

Blueno: “Of course it is young one, of course.”

Kaku: “All of you can just get out of my house now! Come on, get out!”

_Kaku pushes them out his door._

* * *

**_Year 2 Day 233_** **_Informal Meeting, Off-Record_**

_The sun blazes hot in the shipyard, and with his hammer in hand, Lucci brushes closely by Kaku and stops him mid sawing. He speaks hushed and low._

Lucci: “Paulie was just talking to me. He wants to speak with you.”

Kaku: “He’s actually decided to talk to me again? He’s been avoiding even catching my gaze since that date. I thought it’d all gone to pot.”

Lucci: “From what I gather it’ll be back on soon enough.”

Kaku: “Great! That’s good news.”

Lucci: “For the mission.”

Kaku: “Of course. _For the mission_.”

Lucci: “He said to see him at Blueno’s tonight.”

Kaku: “He couldn’t ask me himself?”

Lucci: “Apparently not.”

Kaku: “That’s fine I guess. He’s shy afterall…”

Lucci: “Stop it.”

Kaku: “Stop what?”

Lucci: “Don’t ‘ _stop what’_ me, you know what you’re doing. Falling for him like an imbecile. This is why they failed you on seduction. You must have shown attachment issues.”

Kaku: “My feelings for Paulie won’t get in the way of finding out what we need to about Mr Iceburg. Let me have this. Just this one, would you?”

Lucci: “I’m warning you again Kaku to get back in line, or so help me the consequences will be swift and brutal...”

_Lucci passes on by and doesn’t look back._

* * *

**_Year 2 Day 360 Status Report Meeting_ **

_Kaku sits on one of his kitchen chairs in front of them as they begin their interrogation. Lucci holds him by the collar._

Lucci: “Where were you yesterday? Don’t tell me you forgot our meeting, because I know you didn’t. Out with it!”

Kaku: “It was Christmas Day. I went to Church with him. He said he wanted to go but he was nervous to go to the service alone. I went with him.”

Lucci: “Church? Church?!”

Blueno: “Take it easy.”

Kalifa: “Calm down Lucci. There might have been a good opportunity to get something out of Paulie with his guard dropped at a time like that. Did you find out anything important Kaku?”

Kaku: “Honestly nothing important regarding our mission. I assume that’s not what you want to hear. But really there’s no point in telling you anything but the truth.”

Lucci: “But I’m sure you found out all sorts of things that weren’t of any degree of relevance what-so-ever for the mission.”

Kaku: “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you jealous?”

_Lucci strikes Kaku across the face. Blueno and Kalifa move to hold him back._

Lucci: “If you weren’t in danger before you are now. I want him taken off this seduction sub-mission. He’s disgustingly attached now and frankly that’s way off protocol. Kalifa. You’ll take back over.”

Kalifa: “Not me. He sickens me. And the feeling is mutual.”

Lucci: “Blueno!”

Blueno: “I don’t think he’d go in for that. Besides, I'm working on Iceburg.”

Lucci: “I’ll do it myself then.”

Kaku: “You’ll kill him.”

Lucci: “Maybe that’ll teach you a lesson.”

Kaku: “I’ll end it with him. Ok? Would that make you happy?”

Lucci: “Prove it to me. You’ll break it off with me as a witness. And, if not, you can kiss your dumb blond sweetheart goodbye.”

_The rest of CP9 walk out the door and leave Kaku alone. Outside his window, snow starts to fall._

* * *

**_Year 3 Day 85 Informal Meeting, Off-Record_ **

_Lucci sits at his table reading the newspaper. Kaku sits across from him in Lucci’s shirt, eating breakfast._

Kaku: “Paulie said it again.”

Lucci: “And what was this in response to?”

Kaku: “I was asking him questions about Mr Iceburg under the guise of helping him out with his crush on him. Trying to grill him for the four-one-one on him. Needless to say he was likely joking yet again, but he said he felt like I was interrogating him. ’ _Are you sure you’re not some sort of spy Kaku?’_ he said and he laughed. I wonder if maybe we really do need to get rid of him.”

Lucci: “I thought you might have ended it with him a little too vaguely, but it’s good to hear you’re over that saccharine little attachment you had to him.”

Kaku: “I’m not sure what came over me. Like you said, they did declare me unsuited to seduction, and I see why now. I got too caught up in playing the game. A weakness of mine that won’t be tested again. From now on, we’ll know about it. And I won’t be putting myself forward. Not that I did for Paulie in the first place mind.”

Lucci: “Inadvertently you did, but perhaps it was my mistake for assuming you’d be able to handle it. I know better now. It’s much better to keep you in your place. Then you behave quite well.”

Kaku: “Are you getting anywhere with him?”

Lucci: “He just wants to fight all the time. It’s tiresome having to hold back on him. I don’t know how much more I can take. Such an oaf.”

Kaku: “Sometimes I feel I can tell when the sexual tension’s been too much for you to bare. You’re good at hiding your emotions, but your anger says more than you know.”

Lucci: “I don’t want a lecture from you on emotions.”

Kaku: “Suit yourself. I’m going to take a shower. Your shirt is making me smell a little more cat than I care for.”

Lucci: “I’m glad you’re managing not to get too attached to me. Maybe you’re over that little problem of yours now.”

Kaku: “Maybe.”

_Kaku leaves for Lucci’s bathroom and Lucci gets up from the table to let Hattori back in through his window._

* * *

**_Year 3 Day 291 Status Report Meeting_ **

****

_After closing hours, Lucci, Kaku and Kalifa remain seated at the bar front. Blueno offers them refills and Lucci throws his back and hammers a fist on the bar front._

Lucci: “Nothing, I’m getting nothing at all from Paulie. It’s all just fights and inane casual chit-chat meaning nothing!”

Kalifa: “You’ve been friend-zoned.”

Blueno: “Perhaps we should let Kaku back on that mission after all.”

Kaku: “It’s for the best I don’t.”

Lucci: “Agreed.”

Kalifa: “Are we just going to abort that part of this mission and call it a lost cause then?”

Lucci: “If we don’t, I’ll go mad, I swear.”

Blueno: “That’s it then? Just like that?”

Kalifa: “It feels shameful admitting to failure on a mission like this.”

Lucci: “He was impossible. I’d say it’s probably safe to say he knows nothing more, so it’s not worth pursuing him any longer. It would have been smarter to focus our efforts directly on Iceburg from the start.”

Kalifa: “And about that, Blueno?”

Blueno: “We had drinks together that night, remember?”

Lucci: “And there’s been no more?”

Blueno: “No. He keeps his distance.”

Lucci: “Why must they be so troublesome? If we’d only get the go ahead to dispose of both of them our jobs would be much easier. Iceburg had to go and make himself indispensable didn’t he? This is the worst mission we’ve ever had.”

Kalifa: “Of course, it might not be seduction, but I have been getting close to Mr Iceburg. It turns out that even just friendship means a lot to someone that’s lonely. I’ll keep reporting back with updates.”

Lucci: “Good. Keep working that. Insecurities are invaluable. I’ll contact Spandam tomorrow and tell him the mission to seduce Paulie has been abandoned. It’s not worth continuing to flog a dead horse.”

_Kaku drinks his drink slowly and quietly. No one mentions how quiet he is._

****

* * *

**_Year 4 Day 1 Personal Record,_ ** **_Un-logged,_ ** **_Seduction Sub-Mission Officially Abandoned_ **

_In the pink light of the dawn sunrise, Kaku wakes in his bed and rolls over. He strokes a hand over Paulie’s head and watches as he stirs._

Kaku: “Happy new year.”

Paulie: “You said that already last night, remember.”

Kaku: “I know, but that was when it was still the middle of the night. It never feels like it’s really a new day until the sun comes up.”

Paulie: “You think?”

Kaku: “Yeah. Do you want to go out and watch the sunrise together? I think we haven’t missed it fully yet. Water Seven gets the nicest sunrises around this time of the year.”

Paulie: “Sure. From the light in here, it looks like it’d probably be a nice one.”

_They get up and start to throw some clothes on. Kaku kisses Paulie quickly._

Kaku: “Did you have a good time last night? Cause I sure did.”

Paulie: “Yeah. I mean, not sure what to say really, but that really happened didn’t it? I didn’t really even have all that much to drink in the end. I thought I’d have to get really drunk to finally, uh, you know. Finally do the do with you. Even though it’s been over a year we've been dating now. But yeah. It was a good night.”

Kaku: “I’m glad it was. Honestly, I worried you might have high tailed it out of here during the night, like that first time we kissed, remember? So it was really nice waking up with you next to me.”

Paulie: “Sorry about that by the way. I really freaked out about that kiss. About what I was starting to feel about you. It was still on my mind the way I’d always felt about Mr Iceburg too, it was a lot to deal with. There was a lot of decisions I had to make. But I’m really glad we’re together. I really like this. Being with you.”

Kaku: “I really like being with you too Paulie. Let’s go watch that sunrise before we miss it.”

_Kaku takes his hand and they jump out Kaku’s window and across the rooftops. They watch the sun rise from the vantage point on the tallest peak of the city._

* * *

**_Year 5 Day 161 Personal Record,_ **_Un-logged,_ ****_Mission End_**  
**

_On that day, it abruptly comes to an end._

_Kaku leaves Paulie in the burning headquarters with Iceburg and though he turns and looks back, he keeps moving forward._


End file.
